carole cluer

Art, hope and self acceptance

Tag: doubt

A Blank Piece Of Paper

Yesterday I started my first ‘proper’ drawing since my degree show.

My summer had been filled with making photograms for a couple of exhibitions and so I hadn’t really drawn for a couple of months. Okay I had been to life drawing and doodled a little bit but not really drawn. My drawings can take a long time, somewhere along the process  I always forget to record how long but about fifty plus hours, that’s a long time to spend on something that you might be disappointed with.

I have been deciding on the subject and pose for a few weeks now, looking at photos, choosing and discarding but now that I have started my MA I felt I had to commit to actually doing something.

Yesterday was the day of reckoning, I got up early and taped my paper to the board … then I took it down, it didn’t look right.  I lined my board … and took it down, it was creased. By midday I was ready to go, no, I needed to recheck my plans for another hour before I placed my pencil on the paper and made my first mark.

Why do I find a blank piece of paper so scary?

Its because I know that my work will never be as perfect as it is the moment before I actually start. In my imagination I draw with a talent that I can never replicate in reality.

I think a lot of us are afraid of failure and it can sometimes feel safer to find excuses to not try rather than risk discovering that we just aren’t good enough, but you know if we do that we will never discover that we are good enough.

It took me a long time to try at what I really wanted to do with my life, to believe I was worth the effort of trying, I am not sure yet if I have succeeded.

But you know, just like with my drawing, I can always try again.

New Exhibition, New Journey

Well I know I am never going to get an award for the most updated blog, hats off to those who manage to fit in regular updates in their busy lives!

The summer has flown by, filled with family, but now with my son back at uni and my daughter beginning a new life with her first job in Cornwall I need to focus on my own work.

My summer hasn’t been completely devoid of art however and that is my first piece of news, last Thursday air arts launched their 2012/13 season with an exhibition in The Royal Derby Hospital and I am lucky enough to be part of it.

I am showing seven of my solar photograms, the theme is light relief and so fits perfectly with this part of my practice that explores how we use objects to comfort and reassure us during difficult times and is obviously completely dependent on sunlight for its creation. Interestingly each artist was given an object from Derby Hospital’s archives that linked with their work as part of the Hidden Histories project.

This exhibition is especially important for me because ultimately it is where i want my work to be seen, by the public, in their everyday life to hopefully connect with them during times of uncertainty.

The exhibition has been beautifully curated by Antoinette Burchill with a wide variety of work by other very talented artists and will be on display in the hospital until March, if you are in the area go and have a look, you will find my work on level 1 near  maternity.

You can read more about the work of air art at http://airarts.net/  and the Hidden Histories project http://hiddenhistories.tumblr.com/

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My other news is that I am about to start my Masters in Fine Art, I am excited, scared, nervous and disbelieving, who would have thought that when I went to that small informal outreach lesson comfortingly called ‘Drawing for the Terrified’  that I could have got a degree never mind been accepted on a masters course.  I think if someone had told me then that that was a possibility I would have been too overwhelmed to continue but I have been incredibly lucky to have had really supportive tutors, each encouraging me on to the next step.

I think that is the wonderful thing about life, you never know what it holds for you, there was a time when I worried whether I would see my children grow up, I worked in an office to fit around family life and wondered if I could draw.

I am doing what I dreamed of when I was fifteen, it s a little late but perhaps sweeter for it, and shines brighter because it is a consequence of the darkest time of my life.

I know now that no one has any guarantees in life but also that if you look there are always new and wonderful things to see and experience, although sometimes these may be small and fleeting they are precious and glorious.

Self Portrait

For the last eighteen months I have been drawing portraits of people with scars. I have wanted them to be a celebration of imperfection and a counter to what sometimes gets mistaken for society, you know the magazines and films where the already surgically perfected get airbrushed into impossible proportions. There is a unique and geniune beauty about someone who has lived a life and who has come to accept what that life has made them, who accepts all the physical and emotional scars that life has drawn across their body and soul as proof of a journey taken.  I have always known that I am interested in this because of the many scars I have and how difficult I find applying this philosophy personally – I find I am always less tolerant with myself than others.

Anyway, I soon began to realise that each portrait I drew had an element of self portrait in it, I was circling around something I was too scared to execute.  All those wonderful people who agreed to let me draw them were so much braver than me.

At Christmas I drew my first self portrait, it was for my Jan assessment so when it came to having to display it I chose a dark corner in the basement of our studios and hoped no one would notice it. It made me feel physically sick to show it.  I  soon realised it was a pretty bad drawing, I was so scared of  actually looking at myself Ihad rushed it so when it came to deciding what to do for my final degree show I knew I had to redraw it – properly this time.

I have taken twice as long to draw this picture than I usually do, really focusing on each centimetre. In the next few days I have got to hang it in the gallery, that is going to be the toughest bit and I am  not sure how late I will leave it.  A scar isn’t just a mark  on your skin it is the story of a moment in your life. For me, my scar represents what I hate the most about myself, the fear that keeps me awake at night and is the thing that somehow makes me feel ashamed, I can’t quite believe I am going to stick it on a wall and let people see it – let people judge me.  I have to remind myself that it also represents what I feel most proud about myself, what I have endured and survived and the example I want to show my daughter and son.

If I feel like this it might seem weird to you that I am posting this, but I am just sitting in my study typing, alone, this is me just dipping my toe into the water, any reactions are distant and removed. Real life begins on the 1st of June when the exhibition opens.

Its not the best photo but I hope you can see it well enough,it’s a little over life sized and I have framed it with glass so that the viewer can see their reflection over the drawing

Degree Show Nerves

Writing a blog is still pretty new to me, I tend to write about things that have already happened, that I have had time to process. For the last few weeks the build up to my degree show has been hotting up and I have found it difficult to find the words about what I am going to show. Most of my work is pretty personal so it feels like its me not just my art being judged. Anyway, since in a weeks time I am going to be assessed on it and on the 1st of June loads of people (hopefully!) are going to come and see I thought I had better start easing myself into the fact by talking and showing it to you. I have three pieces that I am going to show – two are definite and one a maybe at the moment, as they are ready I will post them

hope

I am making the artists book that I have spoken about before, I want to use cyanotypes of dandelions for the cover and end sheets and have been waiting for them to appear so I can experiment. Finally a spell of uncharacteristically warm weather has kicked nature into action and never ones to miss out, dandelions have begun to embroider the fields around my house. Its a little early for them to turn into clocks but I managed to find one on my first ‘expedition’ and I carried it carefully back in the palm of my hand. I am not sure if it was the hour long walk in the sun or seeing life bursting out around me but I felt a hell of a lot better on my way back than when I started. Life really is hope

When

When I was young I thought

I would live forever.

Life was permanent

and indestructible.

Age and illness would never bring

their frailty and doubt.

Time proved me wrong and

tempered its preciousness.

Now I know that like all men

I hold onto life by a golden thread.